My office mate was reading over my shoulder the message you sent me. I explained that we had a long history of joking about such matters. He said, "You know what that means, don't you?" "What? That we like joking around like that?" "No. That you are attracted to one another." I said, "I suppose that could be so." "Shit. It is impossible to embarrass you." "My threshold is great because I am not myself today. My name is Richard Thomas and I exploit the taboo subject of homo-erotic relationships to shock those people who have never known love, friendship, compassion, and good sex."
"Hi, Richard Thomas. We exploit the taboo subject of homo-erotic relationships to shock those people who have never known love, friendship, compassion, and good sex, too. Welcome to the group."
"Thank you."
"Is that your real hair?"
"Pardon?"
"Is that your real hair. Spit it out."
"Yes."
"Richard Thomas, you fucking liar! We can all plainly see that you are in fact wearing a big, bouffant wig. Your hair is not aquamarine!" (I stole this from Mark Leyner.)
"No, but these are my real nails. And I object to your behavior. It is not healthy for me. I have been hurt before. So hurt that I have hurt about it."
"Hi Richard Thomas, We've been hurt before, too. So hurt that we have hurt about it. Did you love her so much you had to kill her?"
"Which one?"
" Elizabeth."
"Elizabeth?"
"Is she the one who hurt you?"
"Might (h)as well have been. Though in retrospect I think she had a different name. In any case, I have been her(e) before. I want to kill everything I believe in."
"Don't think for a minute that you deserve anything more."
"I don't. Say, is this going anywhere? I mean, soon? I want to go get a Big Mac."
"Meat EATER!" The cry goes out. "Kill him!"
"Oh shit. Not again."
"We've killed you before?"
"Yes, but too far from here to count for much. Ben Crandel showed up and welcomed me to Time Life Book Series. He imparted wisdom and understanding in easy monthly installments of $19.99."
"Wisdom? What kind of wisdom?"
"He said, 'The meaning of life is comedy. Blessed is he who gets the punchline. Things that piss you off are just jokes you don't get yet.'"
"Did it help to ease your yearning?"
"I suppose. I now have a plan. In twenty years I am going to die laughing."
"Would you object if we killed you again now?"
"Why?"
"We're pacifists and you eat meat.
(This happened a long time ago.)
Thank God I was wearing Lee Press-On nails. I was able to kick, claw and scream my way out of there. But as for Elizabeth. How will I ever find her again?
Fear not. Be patient. Sit still and do not move. Let your body burn with want to move but don't even breathe. Love will find a way over the airwaves of distant cities and classic rock stations for people who cannot forget the past. (All texts are a community of thought. This was an idea shared with me 25 years ago.)
Goddamnit, this already means less than it did.
Actually, it means nothing. Never has.
No, you can't say that. There was a tree once and a swing tied to the low branch. I would sit and read there. It was my honeymoon with literature. (If this ever happened, it was probably in Texas.) It was important and real and everything. It was Zen. Buddha. Christ. Love. Eternal philosophical truth. (That which Robert Browning sought because it was more substantial than the mere historiocity of figures.) I felt like Govinda.
Who the fuck is that?
Nevermind.
Is that for here or to go?
I would like it to go please.
Are you sure?
Yes?
Okay, to go it is. Will you be wanting a Coke with that?
Did I ask for a Coke?
Everyone wants a Coke.
It tastes like battery acid.
Have a Coke and a smile!
No, it is too late. I lost it. I had it but it's gone.
What? The Coke?
Ohchristicannotbelieveiamhere. (A gap in a text is any hole that can be exploited. Take that how you will.) I am just praying for the balls to do finish this.
You can't do that.
That is why I am praying.
Enjoy your Coke. It's delicious.
I don't want a Coke. I want the will to interact meaningfully with the world. I want to see that everyone has a soul. That everyone is I.
Do you want fries with thatdo you believe in God?
Yes I believe in everything. It is systematic and all around us like a mechanical shark. Everything is intertwined. There is no escape. GIVE ME MY FUCKING BIG MAC YOU ARROGANT PIECE OF SHIT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY GODDAMNED MCDONALDS IN THIS TOWN?