Exeunt continued
Ars sine scienta nihil est[9] is a Latin dictum which is equally true when the two nouns are inversed - scienta sine ars nihil est.
As mentioned,[10] Phil describes the dishes he cooks as elegant...And was the holy Lamb of God, On England's pleasant pastures seen...
The answer to Blake's conundrum is verily, the lamb was briefly seen on a pleasant pasture before Phil slaughtered the beast (elegantly), stuffed it with rosemary and garlic (elegantly) before roasting it (elegantly) and plating it up with (elegant) pommes de terre dauphinoise. Elegantly, natch.
Wilde said: "All of us are in the gutter, but some us are looking at the stars."
Phil sez: "All of us are in the gutter, but some us are cooking for the stars."
Referring, of course, to The Blessed who come to Phil's to dine and to die.
§
In their daily broadcast, The Mongers' spokesperson said the entire population will be vaccinated to combat a mystery disease doctors are unable to understand.
§
Philophiliacs have learnt from Phil that cordon bleu cooking - as opposed to plop served up by pettifoggers like Jamie, Nigella and Delia[11] - has its fundamentals in an elegant and magisterial trinity:
Physics
Chemistry Biology
P...h...i...l
In the matter of elegance, your man would like to point out: scientists amongst The Blessed describe the undeniable elegance of the Universe and the intertwined and interdependent systems of all matter within it.
Amongst the most widely known visual examples of elegant natural systems is the DNA spiral discovered by Crick and Watson, the atomic structure, and, on the opposite end of the scale in terms of atoms, our solar system.
The complimentary trinity of physics, chemistry and biology are the basic natural sciences, encompassing the fundamental laws of nature. Physics uses the results of chemistry, chemistry uses the results of biology, ad infinitum. An elegant system.
But as The Blessed's mantra reminds us, all systems tend towards dysfunction. Yet since Newton's aphorism employs human polemics, it is necessary to differentiate between natural dysfunction, for which we have no evidence, and man-made dysfunction, for which The Mongers are culpable of a shameful litany.
§
You can die from an overdose of anything. Deaths caused by excessive intake of seemingly innocent alimentary items include foodaphiliac freaks who've eaten too much peanut butter, or pigged out on beetroot. Other dunces decease due to a pineapple binge, or guzzling gallons of orange juice. The difference between the food and drink you consume keeping you alive or killing you is simply a question of balance.
The philophiliac recipes that Phil prepares, whilst delicious and elegant, undergo an artful alchemy at the chef's hands. Natural levels of dietary minerals contained in food - calcium, fluorine, iodine, iron, magnesium, phosphorous and zinc - are augmented. As are the trace elements - boron, chlorine, chromium, copper, manganese, molybdenum, selenium, silicon, sulphur and vanadium. Boosting of these natural dietary minerals and trace elements in Phil's recipes is what provokes a pleasant and painless...quietus.
Phil would also like to precise that Cordon Bleu, according to Larrouse, the most veracious of French dictionaries, is defined thus: Cuisinière très habile.[12]
First coined when cooks of exceptional skill were presented with a blue ribbon as an accolade of their art, Cordon Bleu is erroneously translated into English as Blue Ribbon: a cordon is not a ribbon. Ribbon is ruban in French. Cordon translates as a cord. Now extrapolate...open that parietal eye, see the Blue Ribbon and take a virtual trip, see it as the umbilical cord leading from one life to another...see the perpetuity of the food chain...see the DNA cord stretching into an infinity of seamless repetition...see an acoustic chord vibrating, creating what is known as the fundamental, or first partial, which is expressed as:
N = 1 √ F
2l µ
"How phucking elegant is that?" Phil chuckles, picking up his dobro and striking the first chord of The Metabolism Blues, as satiated, more of The Blessed depart on The Blue Ribbon.
From the Greek, metabolism literally means throw into a new position.
§
In their daily broadcast, The Monger's spokesperson said that new research disproves claims that obesity is linked to genetically modified foodstuffs.
§
And so to end this Bildungsroman. Time for an exeunt. Can't you hear ominous rumbles of flatulence rising from the subterranean bunker where The Mongers hang their hats, the sound of zips being lowered, and the electric whirr as the fan starts up?
Time to strip off that cryptic camouflage you've hid behind to survive in Mongerville and phuck off to Phil's now. Don't bother packing a bag. Philophiliac folklore tells of Phil once serving alphabet soup to hungry infant members of The Blessed. The letters floating in the soup read: TRAVEL LIGHT.
That Phil. He's the Man.
§
======= ========= *
Editor,
News Of The World,
152 Fleet Street,
London EC2 8NL.
15/11/08
Michael Loughrey
1 Norwich Road
Guist Norfolk NR20 5AJ
Dear Mr. Loughrey,
thanks for submitting "Exeunt" to The News Of The World, but as a national newspaper we do not publish short stories.
But being an incorrigible foodie I read your story, though couldn't decide whether "Exeunt" is fiction or non-fiction.
If in reality Phil is the deranged leader of a clandestine cult, and if your story is an attempt to incite vulnerable members of society to become philophiliacs and commit mass-suicide, I would be interested in publishing it, although it would need drastic editing and a complete rewrite by a professional journalist.
If, however, Exeunt is a work of fiction, best of luck submitting elsewhere.
Yours sincerely,
*Name redacted at Editor's request.
_____________________________________________________
[9] Art is nothing without science.
[10] Paragraph 5, line 3
[11] Three charlatan cooks from the dark Satanic Mills.
[12] Very artful cook.
END