"So let me get this straight it's called Alice's Restaurant, but it's not actually a restaurant?"
"Exactly. It's kind of like the door."

"You mean the door that isn't a door. But they made it look like a door because that way stepping through it into the other dimension is less disconcerting."

"Exactly like that. Something that appears like something else but is in fact another thing all together. The restaurant is more like a general store. It's your last chance to get an item you won't be able to get once you step through the door that isn't a door. That's why they built it right next to the door that isn't a door."

"So why did they call it Alice's Restaurant if it's a general store?"

"Because in there you can get anything you want."

"I don't get it."

"It's named after the song."

"What song?"

"Alice's Restaurant."

"Never heard of it. Who sang that?"

"Arlo Guthrie."

"Arlo who?"

"Guthrie. Arlo Guthrie. Son of Woodie Guthrie."

"Woodie who?"

"Oh boy! You're kidding me, right? You're such a Philistine sometimes."

"Sometimes you're such a smart arse."

"Well it's thanks to me that we're getting the chance to step through the door. I've done all the leg work and the paperwork. There's a whole new world of opportunity waiting for us in there. Not everyone is going to get to walk through the door that isn't a door."

"Okay. No need to go on about it. Back to the restaurant that isn't a restaurant. You can get anything you want in there?"

"But only one thing. That's the rules. You can only bring one thing with you when you step through the door that isn't a door. So you have to choose something you know you'll really want when you get to the other side. Because the other side is mile after mile after mile of uncharted territory. Not so much as a corner shop in sight."

"So say I want a Mars Bar?"

"You're about to be part of history. Why would you want a Mars Bar?"

"Well as you just explained, there are no shops in the other dimension. I quite like Mars Bars. I might get a craving for one last taste."

"You could definitely get a Mars Bar at Alice's Restaurant."

"Because you can get anything you want?"

"Exactly. But you wouldn't want to buy a Mars Bar on this side because once you go through the door that isn't a door it would undergo a metamorphosis into a herring."

"A herring?"

"Yep. That's the way it goes. Passing through alters the genetic code of inanimate objects."

"So if I want a Mars Bar I would have to buy a herring?"

"Nope. You'd have to buy a scouring pad."

"Well that makes no sense at all."

"It all pretty jumbled up through there. Just because one thing changes into another it doesn't follow that the same metamorphosis occurs in a converse manner."

"So I buy a scouring pad and I get a Mars Bar?"

"Exactly"

"I buy a Mars Bar I get a herring?"

"By George, I think he's got it!"

"And how do they know all that?"

"They send shop assistants through the door that isn't a door with certain items and they make a note of what they turn into. Then they add it to this chart which shows what things correspond to other things on the other side."

"Like scouring pads correspond to Mars Bars? And Mars Bars correspond to herrings?"

"Precisely."

"It must be a damned big chart then."

"How so?"

"In Alice's Restaurant you can get anything you want, apparently. There are infinite possibilities."

"I expect it's a digital chart then. Rather than something that's hung on the wall."

"What do the shop assistants use to make a note of what things turn into?"

"A notebook I would think."

"But if they brought a notebook through it might undergo metamorphosis into a lobster or a house brick, or something."

"I suppose they worked that out early on. It'll be on the chart. They'll bring whatever changes into a notebook over, along with whatever else it is they're trying to log."

"I thought you could only take one thing through the door that isn't a door?"

"It's a social responsibility thing. It's not like a law of physics or anything. It has to do with protecting the environment in the other dimension. It's pretty much virgin territory over there. They don't want it littered with Mars Bar wrappers, so to speak."

"If I wanted a cheeseburger what should I buy?"

"It'll be on the chart. Do you want a cheeseburger? Is that honestly the one thing you'd choose above everything else?"

"Jeez, keep your shirt on. I was only asking in case when we get there I feel like a cheeseburger."

"I'd suggest you choose something more practical such as sherbet dib dab."

"A sherbet bleeding dib dab?"

"Apparently a sherbet dib dab equals a rope on the other side of the door that isn't a door."

"You get a sherbet dib dab. I'll get a scouring pad. And when it changes into a Mars Bar you can fiddle with your rope and watch while I scoff the lot."

"A Mars Bar won't get you down the side of a ravine."

"Well I reckon things should be one thing or another and just stick to that. I mean whoever heard of a restaurant that isn't a restaurant?"

"You're so annoying sometimes. If you weren't my brother you'd be the last person I'd choose to go pioneering with in another dimension."

"And if you weren't my brother you'd be the last person I'd choose."

"Why's that?"

"Because you're such a smug faced smart arse."

"Well maybe when we go through the door that isn't a door you'll turn into a god damn genius."

"What would that make you then?"

"A moron, bro. A complete and utter moron."