On Cannibalism

He was a kind and generous lord, who saw our country's youth as a blessing. He would often bring a dozen or so of we common boys and girls for orgies, and when he would show us the tapes afterward, we would all laugh along merrily. He was always firm and just, taxing the barristers and other rich folk, and when a 12-year old orphan would steal twopence from the local pimp, he was always kind enough to pay for the executions himself instead of burdening the busy flesh merchants any more than necessary.

He was soft-spoken, with a voice like trickling, warm honey, and when he would often say "Go down on your fathers and brothers," all the peasant girls did so gladly, without question. He would savour great joy in doing so, as they always offered him sloppy seconds without him having to ask. We had such a marvelous time with him, that we almost felt sorry about throwing this kingdom-wide banquet with the king being the main course.

As I sit here gnawing on what I think is his inner thigh, I cannot help but reminisce upon all the grand times we had together. He was a noble king, a visionary, and will be dearly missed...especially since now we have nothing to eat tomorrow. Ah, but I do hear my father's voice saying "Fionna! Put some of his royal bum in the freezer, and gimme some lovin', will ya?"



Of Donkeys and Christianity

And Jesus spake unto the donkey saying "You are double parked, my child," to which the animal did not reply. And lo, Jesus sat in front of the donkey for fourteen days and fourteen nights citing parables and sermons and rebuking the animal for the sin of double parking. And the donkey would not repent.

Being not of a violent nature, Jesus did verily continue with his gentle preaching until the Lord did intervene. He smote the donkey with a bolt from on high. Jesus asked "Who art thou?" And the Lord spake unto him saying "I am the Lord, I see all and know all!" Jesus asked "Why have you destroyed this poor, wretched animal? Have you no mercy for his ignorant ways?" The Lord looked down upon Jesus, His left eye twitching ever so slightly, and in a thundering rage, He spoke "The donkey was double parked!"

To which Jesus replied, "Ah...." and went about his business.