Erwin Schrodinger, a noted theoretical physicist and scholar who came up with a groundbreaking wave equation for electron movements, awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics, along with British physicist P.A.M. Dirac, later a director at Ireland's Institute for Advanced Studies, walks into a bar with a box under his arm-not big, not small, about the size a mammal, smaller than a bulldog, bigger than a gerbil, would fit in, with air holes punched here and there about its circumference. He sets it down beside him at the bar, settles down on a stool and orders a drink.
ERWIN SCHRODINGER
I'd like a drink, please, my good man.
BARTENDER
Something specific or you just want me to guess?
Schrodinger looks about the bar at three or four patrons gathered about, all of whom are noticing his box.
ERWIN SCHRODINGER
I believe it's beer these gentlemen are drinking, a beverage which naturally as a native of Austria I have some familiarity with, and as I want to fit in I'll have one of the same.
FIRST DRINKER
I'm drinking stout.
SECOND DRINKER
Bitters here.
THIRD DRINKER
This is an India Pale Ale, and a very nice specimen it is.
FOURTH DRINKER
Mine's an Upper Canada Dark.
ERWIN SCHRODINGER
Am I in Canada? That would explain some things and leave others in unresolved confusion. I'll consult my manager about my itinerary, but I'm sure it'll resolve itself without too much trouble. There's enough confusion in the battleground of Quantum Physics without bringing it with you into places of merriment and liquid refreshment. I'll have an Upper Canada Dark in honour of this leg of my itinerary, and since I've lately been the recipient of a Nobel Prize for Physics I'll be happy to do the honours of setting all you gentlemen up with another of the beverage you currently imbibe.
FIRST DRINKER
I'm a lady.
THIRD DRINKER
Me too.
BARTENDER
Me too, if it comes to that, though if you haven't noticed there's something seriously wrong with the outfit I've got on this evening.
ERWIN SCHRODINGER
It makes no difference, I'm . . . setting up all of you with a drink regardless of your gender.
While the bartender pours drafts and places them in front of the drinkers, beginning with Erwin Schrodinger, noted theoretical physicist and scholar who came up with a groundbreaking wave equation for electron movements, awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics, along with British physicist P.A.M. Dirac, later a director at Ireland's Institute for Advanced Studies:
FIRST DRINKER
What's in. . . ?
SECOND DRINKER
We couldn't help noticing. . .
THIRD DRINKER
Good size box and all.
FOURTH DRINKER
What's in it?
BARTENDER
I'm a little curious myself.
Sets the last of the drinks down.
Maybe it's none of our business. You know what they say: curiosity killed the. . .
Erwin Schrodinger, noted theoretical physicist and scholar who came up with a groundbreaking wave equation for electron movements, awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics, along with British physicist P.A.M. Dirac, later a director at Ireland's Institute for Advanced Studies, gathers up the box in his hands and confronts the others with aroused suspicion.
ERWIN SCHRODINGER
Gentlemen! (Some of whom are ladies). I really think this sort of questioning is intrusive. I'm a stranger to you all, though I feel the friendly comradeship that attends the cheer of a well-lit old style ale house, and I certainly enjoy both your company and the glasses we heft in hearty fellowship, but I can't be grilled in this manner about objects in my possession that are my private concern only.
FIRST DRINKER
It's natural for us to wonder.
SECOND DRINKER
You're a physicist after all.
THIRD DRINKER
How do we know that isn't something radioactive in there?
BARTENDER
It could be some sort of small animal. We have hygiene standards to maintain. I must say the cleavage I've shown would give most red-blooded men a bit of a clue.
FIRST DRINKER
If it's a support animal of some kind, they have to allow that. By law.
SECOND DRINKER
Not my emotional support turtle.
BARTENDER
If you'd trained it not to snap at customers, maybe. There's still a small claims lawsuit or two pending.
THIRD DRINKER
Anyway I don't see how it could function as that, cooped up in a box like that. Certainly not as a seeing eye dog and anyway they're usually bigger.
FOURTH DRINKER
Come on, show us what's in the box.
They begin to chant in unison.
FOUR DRINKERS/BARTENDER
Show us! Show us! Show us! Show us!
ERWIN SCHRODINGER(clutching box close)
You won't like it if I do.
BLACKOUT
