I never related to those who had gynecological porn fetishes. You want to spread me wide open with a glitter dripping speculum? Go ahead and try. You might think a cervix is not an explosive device, but you've never met mine.

I can pretend it's a snow globe about to explode. The insides will be wet and sharp and blood drenched. Don't worry. I won't burst my shards into a child's mouth. I'll launch myself into a cheating man's brain in another segue to Mystery Ghost Physical Education.

A Barbie Doll could never do this maneuver, because she doesn't have a real vagina. As for me, I have ten slightly warped semi-circle shaped slots and the way I was is not the way I am.