Exiled in a nether world of cream coloured walls. A rectangular box with creaking tiles and fast moving bugs. An ersatz existence behind a locked door measuring out my days in bowls of rice, slices of bread, boiled eggs and the ever diminishing contents of the freezer. The dry goods stock might last a few weeks, the libations definitely not; I monitor the decreasing tide line of a liter bottle of cheap brandy with mounting despair - it always seems to be low tide on the shores of hard liquordom for some reason…
The house gecko eats most of the bugs and insects. Only coming out after I go to sleep; a kind of sociopathic pet rarely seen and never heard, always discreet and low key. The perfect house guest in many ways.
The days pass by in a rapid blur; a spinning top of primary colours melding into a dark homogenous hue, wobbling and always about to topple over… gyroscopic nausea - the low drone slowly amplifies becoming the distorted sound of a violin wearily scraping way. The unwanted soundtrack of this neo realists nightmare; a non objective lineal narrative revealing too many tedious details that seem to cause the clock to slow down…
I take a nap and see the rictus grin of a dead eyed phantom go in and out of focus in my fevered dreamscape. Its translucent outline shimmering, looming larger, revealing a vacuous canine glare of intense hunger silently mouthing words I fail to decipher. Its diaphanous form melts quickly into the penumbra as I turn on my side and open my eyes, gradually refocusing my myopic gaze beyond the shadow of the bed.
I long for the catatonic calm of a deeper sleep, a blissful mitigation of mind activity… sensory and thought landscapes crumbling into blank nothingness; binary zen moments of potent purity… trapped in a cross current of neural entropy, pent up rage and despair; volatile ectoplasmic blast of human viscera exploding in your face - burning ferociously; a thermal lance crackling and spitting animosity.
Transgressional cataclysm cerebellum trauma crisis… sensory nodes close down… endorphins depleted… gradual muscular atrophy as body functions falter and stop… organs begin to fail one by one. Amnesia descends like a soothing balm - a convenient coma close at hand. Gaseous asphyxiation terminal delineation… nausea… wincing and whining screaming in absolute agony muscular spasms of terror and despair… retrogression into blind amphibious creature choking on land and drowning in water…
The cosmonic pause button has been pressed… am I awake…
I seek refuge. I bivouac placidly in the calm shade of a warm breast; the even breath of deep sleep causing the nipple to collide slowly and softly against my rib cage. A dainty tactile nudge, an erotic prod; a brief and pleasant respite from the unruly madness that surrounds me. I nod off again hoping for a pleasant repose, as I do so I allow my fetid mind - as I sink into slumber - a brief mnemonic sketch, as if with an invisible piece of charcoal, the epic curvature of the perfect female form.
I outline the collision of crease and curve in a rapid Picasso like flurry… the sketch begins to float and become airbourne, rising like a kite. As it ascends the image turns upside down and morphs into a Matisse composition before the charcoal lines turn into smoke and waft into invisibility.
As I doze and drift out into the somnambulant ether I explore the darkness like a blind lizard with tactile dexterity; ambidextrous, amphibious, amorphous… seeking chemo signals - carnal aromas of arousal… the aching beauty of a large moist labia. An erotic pendulum swaying timelessly - a lotus bud unfurls magnificently pouting sexual aggression and desire.
Locked in the erotic grasp of carnal simplicity throbbing and quivering as one entity, unified senses heightened with tactile delight; aroused genitalia collide and slide invasively thrusting and pummeling, sucking and licking… slender fingers squeeze and stroke nipples and glans, perineum and balls. A feverish throb of erupting orgasms fill olfactric senses with a heavy musk aroma that hangs and lingers in the air…
Torn by entropic currents, cast ashore on some desolate isle adrift and marooned; a permanent self exile of geographic estrangement awaits. The microscopic pseudotopia nurtured for so long in the mind now being slowly incinerated into grey dust particles; unspeakable immolation of all that is good… the outside world is also about to explode…
World politics… global meltdown; erodes personal belief systems and life philosophies; undermining free thinking minds with oppressive laws, religious dogma, trite feelgood values and fucking fables…
Permanently locked into cyberland - binate scrolls of intrusive electronic mind rape - beguiled by lazy convenience and freebies; that rectangular glow in the dark pocket sized world is tearing minds apart… toiling away with busy fingers and thumbs; a two legged pit poney no longer able to lift its head and see the horizon… manifesting pseudo neurotic scenarios to help navigate and traverse days, weeks and the rest of life with… transient nomadic phobias keep minds on the move while the metropolis heaves and moans, groans and yelps genetically synthesised mayhem; despondent car horns, angry sirens and endless banging and clanging. Symphony of stress and anxiety - the sound of the modern world in hiatus; directionless sightless and in a state of extreme panic.
A flickering vignette of bucolic calm… a serene recollection of a childhood summers day; sat on a hay bale in a freshly mown meadow feeling warm and content, chewing a stalk of grass and never wanting the day to end. Thinking of lemonade, something to eat then later cartoons to watch on T.V.
When you stop to search you usually find what you had forgotten you were looking for a long time ago…
The thin light of dawn seeps into the room; delicate glaucous and ghastly pale. The reek of catastrophe drifts through the open window impregnating the air with caustic enmity… imploding static disaster looms. I await its epic seismal oblivion with closed eyes.
