"Let me see...your DH1 Complaint form indicates a conflict with multiple Bioextant-Entities and dissatisfaction with parameters governing your Non-Corporeal status."
"Yes. I want a permit to upgrade my manifestations."
"What sort of manifestation upgrade are you requesting?"
"Visual and auditory."
"It says here that you received authorization for a Wood Interaction variance in 1948. That's very substantial. Why do you need another upgrade so soon?"
"People are pissing through me."
"Yes, well most of the deceased community feels like we're being pissed on by the living--"
"No, not metaphorically pissed on. Literally pissed through! The living piss through me and I want to scare them away."
"Pissed...through...right. What specifically is wrong with your current location?"
"It used to be great. I mean, for the first few years it was disconcerting to be tethered to the spot where I was stabbed in my kitchen, but I got used to it. Then a few hundred years go by and they knocked my house down and installed a high-rise. That was a shock, let me tell you, but even that wasn't so bad because I was in the smoking lounge."
"Yes. There's a note here that you complained about the smell."
"What did I know? I'd kill to have the cigarette smell back. They converted my side of the lounge into a privy after the...whatever war it was...the one with all the Germans. That's why I applied to be able to touch wood, so I could grab the chain knob and flush the loo. But now it's all metal and I can't touch it."
"A privy?"
"Yes! And the new people installed a urinal under me!"
"I understand, however there are rules--"
"No, you don't understand! I don't deserve this! I was a composer! Lords paid me to write toccatas for their children's birthdays. The Duke of bloody Grafton commissioned me to compose a fugue for his mistress. I was important! And now people are pissing through me and I want them to see me so I can scare the piss out of them first."
"Calm down. I'm on your side here. Look, I appreciate your pitch, but circumstances allowing for HM4 Material Interface Upgrade Status are very limited and even a partial manifestation request will take at least thirty years to go up to the main office, and it's just going to fall flat."
"What am I going to do?"
"Don't fret about it. I'm only a minor managerial authority, but I want' to help you beat this. I can authorize a Haunt-Adjacent three meter Lateral Easement that should get you out of the...ahem...privy."
"Three meters?"
"Yes! You can move out of the urinal."
"Great, so I can choose between standing in a wall, standing in a storage closet, or standing in the snacks vending machine."
"Oh. I'd definitely choose the snacks vending machine. The smell would be much improved."
"What's the point of being a ghost if I can't give people a proper scaring?"
"What you have to realize is that you're not technically a Ghost. Your classification is Grade 3 Haint. You're two tiers below Poltergeist, so you simply aren't going to get a manifestation allowance. I know you feel like you have a score to settle with the living, but you're just going to have to settle."
"Did you really just say that?"
"See what I did there?"
"I wish I hadn't."
"You're a composer...you wrote scores…"
"It's a bit on the nose."
"...and now you have to settle."
"I hate you."
"Just doing my job. Here, this is your approved HA3 form. Enjoy the vending machine."
